I've had some pretty emotional weeks lately. A week ago I finished out a journal I started just over three years ago. I'm not very good at consistency with journaling and it was only a 70 page notebook, but when I get to the end of one, I always like to look back through to see where God has taken me. Three years ago we found out about a possible adoption opportunity. The journal started with prayer over that situation. Three years ago today that little boy was born and we thought God meant him to be part of our family. God had other plans and if I had known that it would be three and a half more years before we would add to our family, it would have felt like too much. I'm always amazed at how I want to know what's coming, but when I look back, I'm so glad God showed me only what I needed to know for each season. So my journal ended with the wonder and amazement of finding out I was pregnant. Only God could take something so silly like a journal and start it and end it in such a way.
Pregnancy after years of infertility is so filled with emotion. Some days I feel guilty and almost hesitant to share excitement because I know the pain of so many women who have not yet carried a child in their womb. Other days I feel like it can't be real and I wait for the reality check to let me know that this too is just another pain filled experience along the way. Sometimes fear takes me over and I spend the whole day trying to place myself back at the feet of Jesus in full surrender to whatever His plan is. And some days the joy fills me so full to the top that I cry just thinking about the precious baby boy growing and kicking inside my womb. Overall, I'm in awe. I don't know God's plans for this child. But I'm amazed that He is allowing this child to grow inside of me. Each day is such a blessing and I don't want to take any of them for granted.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Guess Who's Getting a Little Brother!!
Whew! This pregnancy is flying by! I'm 19 weeks and I think now I almost want it to slow down just a tiny bit. I love this stage! I'm finally starting to show a tiny bit more and in the last few weeks I've felt little flutters and kicks and it's just amazing!! I think I can finally say that I am over having sick days for the most part, unless I do way too much one day. I have so much more energy now and I'm loving being able to work out more consistently and get a few more things done around the house. I am also finally able to eat just about anything now, which is awesome, but now I need to be careful because I went from wanting nothing to do with sugar, to craving chocolate ALL THE TIME!! But I'm also enjoying all kinds of healthy stuff again too. I'm officially not fitting into my jeans anymore and I was so excited to find some maternity jeans that look and feel great, but are also long enough. I've decided that they may have to remain in my closet even after pregnancy because I think they fit better than my non maternity jeans. :-) I'm still so in awe that I am getting to experience this. I feel like I just want to soak up every minute. Last week was a super exciting doctor's appointment. We got to see this little life that is growing inside me. It felt surreal. Of course based on tests and the way I was feeling, I knew I was pregnant, but to have the image of this precious baby come up on the screen was amazing! And, we found out that God is blessing us with another boy! Benjamin was so excited when he found out. He was pretty set on having a boy because he thought he and the baby should match.
OK, so still not showing a ton, but definitely growing!
Friday, September 2, 2011
14 Weeks
Seems like the first trimester went by super slow, but I have a feeling things are about to speed up now that I'm mostly feeling better. I'm still waiting for the energy boost that all the books mention, but at least I can eat normal food again! I still can't believe this is for real! We had our second doctor's appointment yesterday and I am pretty sure hearing this little one's heartbeat will never get old. Apparently we have a little mover because when the nurse placed the doppler on my stomach, she got the heartbeat right away, but then it was gone and she had to search quite a bit to find it again. In the midst of her searching though, we got to hear a kick. It was amazing! Can't wait for our next appointment when we will get to see this little person on an ultrasound!!!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Ben's Take on the Baby in my Belly
This morning Ben was perusing through a week by week pregnancy book I have from the library. It's complete with illustrations and his analysis was quite entertaining.
When he came to a picture of the cells dividing, he said "mommy, do you have pancakes in your belly?"
When he came to a picture of a tiny tiny baby inside the womb, he said "Oh mommy, look at the little baaaaaby inside of you. (said in baby voice) How tiny is he? He's like a booger!"
After that, Ben asked me how big the baby is in my belly right now. I tried to explain that it's about the size of a large lemon (at least that's what the internet says) :-). He insisted that no, our baby was not a lemon. I then explained that it was about the size of my fist (this is how my pregnancy book describes 14 weeks). He then grew adamant and said "No mommy, the baby is not a lemon and it's not a fish! It's just a baby!) So there you have it!
When he came to a picture of the cells dividing, he said "mommy, do you have pancakes in your belly?"
When he came to a picture of a tiny tiny baby inside the womb, he said "Oh mommy, look at the little baaaaaby inside of you. (said in baby voice) How tiny is he? He's like a booger!"
After that, Ben asked me how big the baby is in my belly right now. I tried to explain that it's about the size of a large lemon (at least that's what the internet says) :-). He insisted that no, our baby was not a lemon. I then explained that it was about the size of my fist (this is how my pregnancy book describes 14 weeks). He then grew adamant and said "No mommy, the baby is not a lemon and it's not a fish! It's just a baby!) So there you have it!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Looks
A strange thing hit me this week. This child is going to look like me and Matt. Would this be a strange thought to most people? Probably not. But seven years ago when doctors told us our chance of getting pregnant was less than 1%, whether or not our child looked like us was the farthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to be a mom. As we grieved through infertility and God moved our hearts toward adoption, the thought that our child would not look like us did cross my mind, but it just didn't really matter. I wanted a baby to hold and love and I wanted to see Matt be a daddy. And then God blessed us like crazy by bringing Ben into our lives and people began to comment about how he must take after Matt, or me. I would laugh because I knew his adorable looks came straight from his birth families. And I love that. In fact, sometimes it rubs me the wrong way when people know we adopted Ben and they still insist that he looks like us, as if looking like your parents truly is the only way you know you belong.
And so, the idea of our child looking like us almost surprised me when it came to mind this week. I'm so excited about it! But I'm also so glad for the perspective adoption has given me. Families are put together by God. Sometimes they all look like each other, and sometimes He likes to change things up. I can't believe I'm getting to experience both! And in the end, I hope we all look most like Him!
And so, the idea of our child looking like us almost surprised me when it came to mind this week. I'm so excited about it! But I'm also so glad for the perspective adoption has given me. Families are put together by God. Sometimes they all look like each other, and sometimes He likes to change things up. I can't believe I'm getting to experience both! And in the end, I hope we all look most like Him!
Friday, August 5, 2011
For Nothing is Impossible with God!!
I love a good secret, but I hate keeping secrets when it means keeping good news to myself. And this is the reason that it's been over a month since I updated our blog. This secret has consumed my mind and well, my body and I felt like I had nothing else to talk about. But now it's out!!! God has worked a miracle and let us see in a very tangible way that He is the God of the impossible. I am pregnant!!! Totally unexpected, totally out of the blue, but totally in His timing.
Our church had VBS at the end of June and I was in charge of a Bible times bakery. Ben turned four at the end of June and I was attempting to plan his little family party. And the timing just so happened to work out that all that fell during my dreaded monthly misery. VBS was in the evening at our church this year and I was TIRED!!! Tiredness around this time is not that unusual for me, so I didn't think anything about it, until my regular monthly friend wasn't quite as regular as normal. After seven years though, I didn't get my hopes up. I was just frustrated because I didn't want to feel yucky for Ben's party. So I woke up early on Thursday June 23rd and my mind just wouldn't let it go. I felt kind of silly because, after all, this had happened MANY times before and been nothing. But I knew we had a pregnancy test in the closet that we had purchased many many months before and I thought I would take it and at least that way, I could put the thought out of my mind and move on with getting ready for VBS that night and preparing for Ben's party. Matt works out at a gym and leaves really early on Thursday mornings, so I waited for him to leave before taking the test. I honestly just felt silly for even deciding to take it. I figured I would tell him later that I had taken it and that it was negative, but we've done this so many times, that when one of us has a hopeful month, we rarely say anything to the other because it's just not worth the emotional drama.
So at 6:07am or so, I took the test and within seconds there were two pink lines. I was stunned! Honestly I had no idea what to do. I walked out of the bathroom and then walked back in 20 times just to look at it again because I just didn't believe it. And Matt wasn't even home. I knew there was no way he would hear his phone while he was working out, so I waited a little while before calling him. You can imagine that I spent those few minutes just praising God and asking Him if this could possibly be for real. The passage in Luke came to mind where Mary has just been told that she is going to have a son and then when the angel tells her that her cousin Elizabeth is also with child he says "For nothing is impossible with God." I felt so amazed in that moment to be offered such a tangible way to knowing that to be true.
I finally got a hold of Matt and told him that I had taken the test and that it was positive. He was completely speechless. Then he told me he was coming home and we spent the next several minutes before he had to go to work asking each other if this could possibly be for real. I still didn't completely believe the test, so after he left for work, I called my doctor and asked if I could come in for a blood test. Then I went and bought a second test, which was also positive. Waiting for the call back from the doctor with the results of my blood work seemed to take forever! But when they finally called, I let myself believe that this was actually happening. What an amazing day!
So I feel like I've spent the summer sleeping and trying to figure out what to eat that doesn't sound completely disgusting. I have been blessed not to be super sick, but I definitely haven't felt great. I've struggled with worry and fear that this pregnancy won't last and that this will just be another disappointment, but even that God is using to teach and refine me as he shows me more of His character and calls me to trust Him with the unknowns and what-ifs. I'm learning to leave tomorrow for tomorrow and praise God for each day I get with this precious little life inside me.
I am 10 weeks this week and yesterday I had my first appointment. I knew it was early, but I was so hopeful to get to hear the heartbeat and we got to! What an amazing blessing! Now I'm addicted and can't wait until my next appointment so I can hear it again. :-)
So, Lord willing, we will be welcoming this little miracle into our lives on or around February 28th. I'm SOOO excited!!!
Our church had VBS at the end of June and I was in charge of a Bible times bakery. Ben turned four at the end of June and I was attempting to plan his little family party. And the timing just so happened to work out that all that fell during my dreaded monthly misery. VBS was in the evening at our church this year and I was TIRED!!! Tiredness around this time is not that unusual for me, so I didn't think anything about it, until my regular monthly friend wasn't quite as regular as normal. After seven years though, I didn't get my hopes up. I was just frustrated because I didn't want to feel yucky for Ben's party. So I woke up early on Thursday June 23rd and my mind just wouldn't let it go. I felt kind of silly because, after all, this had happened MANY times before and been nothing. But I knew we had a pregnancy test in the closet that we had purchased many many months before and I thought I would take it and at least that way, I could put the thought out of my mind and move on with getting ready for VBS that night and preparing for Ben's party. Matt works out at a gym and leaves really early on Thursday mornings, so I waited for him to leave before taking the test. I honestly just felt silly for even deciding to take it. I figured I would tell him later that I had taken it and that it was negative, but we've done this so many times, that when one of us has a hopeful month, we rarely say anything to the other because it's just not worth the emotional drama.
So at 6:07am or so, I took the test and within seconds there were two pink lines. I was stunned! Honestly I had no idea what to do. I walked out of the bathroom and then walked back in 20 times just to look at it again because I just didn't believe it. And Matt wasn't even home. I knew there was no way he would hear his phone while he was working out, so I waited a little while before calling him. You can imagine that I spent those few minutes just praising God and asking Him if this could possibly be for real. The passage in Luke came to mind where Mary has just been told that she is going to have a son and then when the angel tells her that her cousin Elizabeth is also with child he says "For nothing is impossible with God." I felt so amazed in that moment to be offered such a tangible way to knowing that to be true.
I finally got a hold of Matt and told him that I had taken the test and that it was positive. He was completely speechless. Then he told me he was coming home and we spent the next several minutes before he had to go to work asking each other if this could possibly be for real. I still didn't completely believe the test, so after he left for work, I called my doctor and asked if I could come in for a blood test. Then I went and bought a second test, which was also positive. Waiting for the call back from the doctor with the results of my blood work seemed to take forever! But when they finally called, I let myself believe that this was actually happening. What an amazing day!
So I feel like I've spent the summer sleeping and trying to figure out what to eat that doesn't sound completely disgusting. I have been blessed not to be super sick, but I definitely haven't felt great. I've struggled with worry and fear that this pregnancy won't last and that this will just be another disappointment, but even that God is using to teach and refine me as he shows me more of His character and calls me to trust Him with the unknowns and what-ifs. I'm learning to leave tomorrow for tomorrow and praise God for each day I get with this precious little life inside me.
I am 10 weeks this week and yesterday I had my first appointment. I knew it was early, but I was so hopeful to get to hear the heartbeat and we got to! What an amazing blessing! Now I'm addicted and can't wait until my next appointment so I can hear it again. :-)
So, Lord willing, we will be welcoming this little miracle into our lives on or around February 28th. I'm SOOO excited!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Little Super Heroes
A few weeks ago my little brother came over for the afternoon to play with Ben. I had this idea I found for making super hero capes and decided to give it a try for both boys. It was a total success! Both boys were running around the house pretending the fly and chase villains for the rest of the afternoon.
I found the idea for these here.
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