Friday, October 14, 2011

Emotions of Pregnancy after Infertility

I've had some pretty emotional weeks lately. A week ago I finished out a journal I started just over three years ago. I'm not very good at consistency with journaling and it was only a 70 page notebook, but when I get to the end of one, I always like to look back through to see where God has taken me. Three years ago we found out about a possible adoption opportunity. The journal started with prayer over that situation. Three years ago today that little boy was born and we thought God meant him to be part of our family. God had other plans and if I had known that it would be three and a half more years before we would add to our family, it would have felt like too much. I'm always amazed at how I want to know what's coming, but when I look back, I'm so glad God showed me only what I needed to know for each season. So my journal ended with the wonder and amazement of finding out I was pregnant. Only God could take something so silly like a journal and start it and end it in such a way.

Pregnancy after years of infertility is so filled with emotion. Some days I feel guilty and almost hesitant to share excitement because I know the pain of so many women who have not yet carried a child in their womb. Other days I feel like it can't be real and I wait for the reality check to let me know that this too is just another pain filled experience along the way. Sometimes fear takes me over and I spend the whole day trying to place myself back at the feet of Jesus in full surrender to whatever His plan is. And some days the joy fills me so full to the top that I cry just thinking about the precious baby boy growing and kicking inside my womb. Overall, I'm in awe. I don't know God's plans for this child. But I'm amazed that He is allowing this child to grow inside of me. Each day is such a blessing and I don't want to take any of them for granted.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Guess Who's Getting a Little Brother!!

Whew! This pregnancy is flying by! I'm 19 weeks and I think now I almost want it to slow down just a tiny bit. I love this stage! I'm finally starting to show a tiny bit more and in the last few weeks I've felt little flutters and kicks and it's just amazing!! I think I can finally say that I am over having sick days for the most part, unless I do way too much one day. I have so much more energy now and I'm loving being able to work out more consistently and get a few more things done around the house. I am also finally able to eat just about anything now, which is awesome, but now I need to be careful because I went from wanting nothing to do with sugar, to craving chocolate ALL THE TIME!! But I'm also enjoying all kinds of healthy stuff again too. I'm officially not fitting into my jeans anymore and I was so excited to find some maternity jeans that look and feel great, but are also long enough. I've decided that they may have to remain in my closet even after pregnancy because I think they fit better than my non maternity jeans. :-)  I'm still so in awe that I am getting to experience this. I feel like I just want to soak up every minute. Last week was a super exciting doctor's appointment. We got to see this little life that is growing inside me. It felt surreal. Of course based on tests and the way I was feeling, I knew I was pregnant, but to have the image of this precious baby come up on the screen was amazing! And, we found out that God is blessing us with another boy! Benjamin was so excited when he found out. He was pretty set on having a boy because he thought he and the baby should match.
OK, so still not showing a ton, but definitely growing!