Friday, October 14, 2011

Emotions of Pregnancy after Infertility

I've had some pretty emotional weeks lately. A week ago I finished out a journal I started just over three years ago. I'm not very good at consistency with journaling and it was only a 70 page notebook, but when I get to the end of one, I always like to look back through to see where God has taken me. Three years ago we found out about a possible adoption opportunity. The journal started with prayer over that situation. Three years ago today that little boy was born and we thought God meant him to be part of our family. God had other plans and if I had known that it would be three and a half more years before we would add to our family, it would have felt like too much. I'm always amazed at how I want to know what's coming, but when I look back, I'm so glad God showed me only what I needed to know for each season. So my journal ended with the wonder and amazement of finding out I was pregnant. Only God could take something so silly like a journal and start it and end it in such a way.

Pregnancy after years of infertility is so filled with emotion. Some days I feel guilty and almost hesitant to share excitement because I know the pain of so many women who have not yet carried a child in their womb. Other days I feel like it can't be real and I wait for the reality check to let me know that this too is just another pain filled experience along the way. Sometimes fear takes me over and I spend the whole day trying to place myself back at the feet of Jesus in full surrender to whatever His plan is. And some days the joy fills me so full to the top that I cry just thinking about the precious baby boy growing and kicking inside my womb. Overall, I'm in awe. I don't know God's plans for this child. But I'm amazed that He is allowing this child to grow inside of me. Each day is such a blessing and I don't want to take any of them for granted.

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