Fear

The past couple of weeks have been rough ones. I've had so much fear about so many things. The biggest thing being foster care. I've battled insecurities in my parenting like never before and it's made me question this calling to foster care. The truth of the matter is, I just don't feel equipped. I want to run in the opposite direction. How can I have enough love for these kids when some days I struggle to extend unconditional love to the precious child I already have? How can I be a good mom to a child whose needs are so great when I can hardly figure out this parenting thing with the child I have? I know a lot of my fear is based on lies from the enemy, but I also think it's a challenge from the Lord to be at his feet all day every day. Not just for 20 or 30 minutes in the morning, but continually through the day. I'm not equipped. I can't do this. I have no idea how He's going to do it, but if He's calling me to do it, I have to be at his feet so that He can equip me.

Today I came across this post and it so encouraged me that I had to share it.

Fall Fun

It's been so much fun to be here for all the fall color again. I have to say, that was one of the things I missed most when we lived in Texas. Now that the leaves have fallen and we are predicted to have nights in the 20's this weekend, I'm ready to head back south, but we sure enjoyed the beauty while it lasted.

 Leaf Fight!!!

Stepping Over the Edge

Two years ago, the Lord brought a sweet little boy into the world and we thought He was bringing him into our family. But He did not. We were devastated and I found myself questioning the very sovereignty of God. Less than a year later, we began the process to adopt again through the same agency we worked with for Benjamin's adoption. We hurriedly finished all our paperwork, asked our friends to write letters of reference, and went to the required orientation. I found myself believing that after what we had been through, we deserved a quick and easy placement. My prayers were often little more that telling God what would make me believe in His sovereignty again. I read my Bible regularly, went to my Bible studies, and did all the things I knew I should be doing. All the while, I was hurting and sometimes really angry that God would take us through the deep pain of infertility, and then, as if that weren't enough, take us through the pain of losing a child we thought He was giving us. We were nearly ready to schedule our home study when Matt's job started getting scary. He came home many days telling me that he didn't know if he'd have a job by the end of the month. My first thoughts were panic over the fact that we couldn't very well adopt a child with no family income. I struggled for control and grew even more frustrated with our circumstances. I had always pictured having my kids about 2 years apart and the closer we got to Ben being 2 1/2, the more anxious I got. But God was (as He always is) working on my heart, even though it was hurting. Not long after we returned from CA after that failed adoption, I came across a podcast done by a couple who had a heart for kids in need and who were in the beginning stages of foster care. I listened to every episode and began to wonder if God would someday lead us down that path. But I really wasn't willing to do it until we had gotten to adopt as least one more baby. Then I started reading the book as part of our women's Bible study at church. It's called The Forgotten God by Francis Chan and it began to change me. Part of the chapter on God's will said "...dwelling on God's plan for the future often excuses us from faithful and sacrificial living now. It tends to create a safe zone of sorts, where we can sit around and have 'spiritual' conversation about what God 'might' have planned for our lives. Thinking, questioning, and talking can take the place of letting the Spirit affect our immediate actions in radical ways." I mulled that over and wanted to act on it, but in many ways I still wasn't "over" my desire to have my way. I wanted to be more willing to go the direction God wanted us to take, but I really didn't want to do it until I had what I wanted, which was a baby.

Not long before we moved, I was part of a Bible study and was watching the video for that week's study. One of the bullet points was that we needed to move past our devastation with God. I felt like someone had just put a knife in me. I knew that was a huge part of my problem. I was devastated with God and I didn't want to get past it. I was afraid if I let go of it and trusted Him again, I would only be devastated again and then perhaps lose my faith all together. But watching that video became a turning point for me. As I completed the study later that week, I was so amazed that God was dealing this out with me and that He hadn't been faithless even though I had. I underlined so much from that week, but a couple of things stuck out to me and they are so true. "Satan has no greater agenda than to talk you and me into believing that God is not good after all." and "Accepting the challenge to work through crisis and conflict can be a tremendously important part of developing closeness in relationship...Work right through the middle of it with your God. He has never left you. Never ceased loving you. And never shut off His goodness from you."

I began to take hold of that truth and in many ways, I feel like that's when I began to believe once again that God is who He says He is. But when we moved, I still assumed that we would adopt an infant before we did anything else. I researched agencies and Matt found out about a couple of people from his work who had adopted recently. We even filled out the preliminary application for an agency and I was ready to send it in. But then I got that check in my spirit and waited. Matt and I talked about timing and whether or not to do adopt through foster care now, or later and after lots of talking and reasoning it out, I felt peace about moving forward with an infant adoption.

Then I listened to another episode of that foster parenting podcast and I was caught up short. They put out the challenge that often when we feel peace about something, it's not necessarily peace we are feeling, but comfort. Often we say we have a peace about something because we are too afraid to do anything else. I absolutely knew this was why I had "peace" about applying for another infant adoption. It felt comfortable to me. I knew how the process worked when you used an agency and I wanted a baby. But I also just kept getting this prompting toward foster care and adopting through that process. So we stalled some more. I waited, hoping God would give us the go ahead toward infant adoption and we continued to save money.

A few weeks ago, I finally made some phone calls to at least get some information about foster care. I had heard that it was best to work with an agency, but the only one I was able to get a hold of didn't work with our county. The other one never returned my calls. I also left a message for someone with the department of child services and received a quick call back, as well as a packet in the mail within a few days. Today we registered to begin the 26 hours of training we will have to complete in order to be foster parents.

My emotions are all over the place. I'm super excited, but I'm also scared to death. I still struggle with that expectation that if God is calling us to do this, He is going to make it easy for us. But He never promised that doing what He asks will be easy. I have this sense of euphoria that I imagine one would have just after stepping out of a plane to go sky diving. It's the excitement of being willing to go where God is telling us to go, even though I'm 100% out of my comfort zone.

I still don't know for sure if this is the direction we will be taking. I'm still struggling not to run the other way out of fear of the unknown. And I'm still having to let go of my desire to have another baby and trust that God knows what is best in His big picture plan. But we are walking forward and doing the next thing until He leads us through or closes the door. Pray for us!

Awana Crazy Hair Night

Benjamin started in Awana this year as a cubbie. He loves getting to go and loves the fact that he always gets to see two of his aunts and one of his uncles while he's there. I love it because it gets me working on scripture memorization with him, which I have wanted to be working on anyway. So some nights the kids get to dress funny, or wear pajamas, or as was recently the case, have crazy hair or hats. We went with the crazy hair and I'm pretty sure Matt and I had way more fun with it that Ben did.

Lost in Explanation

This morning Benjamin was looking through "Horton Hatches an Egg" while I was washing dishes. He was very interested in Horton's eyes at different places in the book. When Horton was sitting on the egg in the snow, his eyes were red and Ben asked if Horton was tired. I told him I thought maybe he was cold since he was covered in snow. So at the end of the book when the egg hatches and the bird comes out looking like an elephant with wings, Benjamin wanted to know why his eyes looked the way they did. I told him that Horton was surprised and happy that the the bird came out looking like him. Then I got to thinking about it and thought it was sort of like adoption. The child has many of the same traits as his/her birth family, but also takes on traits of his/her adoptive family over time. Benjamin is just starting to try to grasp adoption, so I tried to explain my thoughts to him about the connections between the story and adoption in terms he could understand. Apparently I didn't do a very good job because he got a funny look on his face and said "when I was born I looked like an elephant?"

Benjamin Funnies

I just love being a mom! I mean, yes, it's the most difficult job ever, and quite frankly can also lead to more embarrassment than ever, but I love to laugh and Benjamin can make me laugh!

So a few weeks ago, we were out for a walk as a family. A jogger came up behind us and passed us and it just so happened that he was shirtless. Ever the curious one, Benjamin asked us why he didn't have a shirt on. Matt and I were both kind of waiting until the jogger got a little further ahead before answering, but that just made Benjamin ask again even louder. So, we quietly explained that the man was running and that sometimes guys run without shirts because it's too hot for a shirt. He thought for a second and then very loudly proclaimed "that's rude!" We hid our smiles, asked Ben to keep his voice down, and quickly drew his attention to something else. 15 minutes later, the same jogger was now running toward us on the other side of the road. We hoped that perhaps our explanation from before had sufficed and that the poor jogger could run in peace, but it was not to be. As he jogged closer, Benjamin loudly said "that man doesn't have a shirt on!" It was obvious by the face of the poor jogger than he heard us and had probably heard us before. He may never run shirtless again!

And then there was this past week. This is really Matt's story, so I got all the laughter and none of the embarrassment. We went out to eat with my family after church this past Sunday and Benjamin had to use the bathroom. Matt took him into the men's room and as it turned out, he had to do more than just pee. So, after he loudly announced this to Matt, he worked for a bit before saying "daddy, it's too hard. Something's stuck in there. It's not working." But, as if that wasn't embarrassing enough for my poor husband, when he went to wipe him, Benjamin peeked his head under the next stall which of course was occupied and said "hi, what's your name? What are you doing?" Needless to say the poor guy in the next stall did not answer. I'm not sure if Matt or the other stall occupant was the most traumatized by the event.

So there you have it. A tiny little peek into the mind of our son.

Letter Learning

As Benjamin enters into the age of preschool I feel like I am constantly asked if we plan to send him to preschool. The first time someone mentioned it, I kind of thought it was funny. I never went to preschool and honestly hadn't even considered it for Benjamin. But the more people asked me about it, the more pressure I started to feel. Someone mentioned that they planned to home school for preschool and told me what curriculum they were using. Curriculum? For preschool?  I mean, does a three year old really need to be in school? Or even to have a formal "school" time at home? I started searching the web for lists of things Benjamin needed to know before kindergarten and one list freaked me out because he isn't even close to knowing how to read or add and subtract, while another list made me feel like he could skip kindergarten and go to first grade now because he knew everything on it. So that was no help. Finally I decided that maybe some intentional training would be good, but that I wasn't ready for a full on scheduled school time. I decided that my goal for him before kindergarten is recognition of letters by sight and knowledge of the sounds they make, as well as recognition of numbers and the ability to count objects correctly. And if he happens to get more of his colors right in the middle of all that, I will feel like he's doing well. Besides that, I really want him to just be a kid during this time. I want him to learn more about using his imagination for play and I want him to continue his love for books. And more than anything, I want him to have more and more of an understanding of who Jesus is.

So last week I started in on my goal of learning a letter a week. We did "A" and came up with all sorts of things that start with A. Here are a few pictures of our learning one afternoon. SO fun!

We had an apple snack and cut the apple into A's.

His "this is delicious" face.

Cheesin'