I've been putting this post off for over a week now. I just don't want to write it. I'm still processing through and well, it just doesn't make sense. We are home from California and Jack did not come home with us. We have a million questions. Why would God take us out there only to bring us home empty-armed? What is His purpose in all this? Is it over or is this just another bump in the road to Jack eventually coming into our family? Why does building our family have to be so hard? We cannot yet let go of the hope that Jack will be in our family someday, so we are still praying and asking God to let it be. But we are also trusting that if He does not, He has a better thing that He is carrying out. Our hearts are breaking for little Jack. As I watched Matt playing the tickle game with Benjamin the other night and heard Benjamin's sweet laughter, I couldn't help but think of precious little Jack who won't have a daddy coming home from work to tickle him and play chase games and other boy stuff. And so I have to recognize that God is God over that too and I pray that He will watch over Jack and protect his life and be his Father.
Our faith has been tested to its very limits. Some days I feel as though I cannot bear anymore. Other days I feel more trusting. I'm so glad that who God is is not based on my emotions. I know that He is the same today as He was yesterday and last week and last month. As I sat down to write this post, I was listening to some music and heard the song "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. I remember listening to this song the week Benjamin was born and praying that if his adoption did not go through, that I would still praise the Lord. So now I am praying for strength to praise the Lord when everything in me wants to grieve over the loss of this precious child. It is so easy to talk about praising the Lord in the midst of pain when there is no pain, but in the middle of it, it is difficult. But I will do it. Whatever the outcome of this, I pray that the name of the Lord will be glorified. We appreciate your prayers.
"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"