It's been a while since I posted much besides the activities of our summer. But between and in the the midst of those activities, we have been discussing and deciding on beginning the "process" again. After Benjamin's adoption, I thought I would be much more patient with the paperwork and the wait. I thought that since I would be busy with a child, I would be less emotional. But I guess I was wrong. Perhaps being caught up in the excitement of finally being a mom after 4 years of trying made me think I would never experience that "out of control" feeling again. But, here I am, asking myself once again if I really trust God with our family. I mean, saying I trust Him is so easy when life goes as planned, but when I'm in a place of waiting, and actually really have to trust, well, it's just easy to doubt.
We began the application paperwork for our next adoption at the beginning of July. It was exhilarating to finally feel like we had the go ahead to get started. But it was overwhelming too. When we filled out paperwork for Benjamin's adoption, there was a lot of uncertainty, but I was certain I was cut out to be a mom. But now that we have Benjamin and are a "returning" family to our agency, I found myself wavering as I looked over the application. There were whole sections of questions about what I found the most difficult in parenting, what things I would do differently with our next child, and what things I would do the same. I think now that I am a mom and know that my ideals of being the perfect mom are pretty unreasonable, those questions made me feel that out of control feeling again. That feeling of just wanting to be like everyone else who decides they want to have another child and then does. Without having to prove that I am a good mom (especially on a day when I have lost my temper with Benjamin or spent way more time on housework and cooking than with him) and without wondering if another woman will ever choose us to be her child's parents.
And then I come back to that trust issue. I'm realizing that when I get that out of control feeling, I actually do not trust God. I don't trust what He says in His word that He knows the plans He has for me and that they are for my good and not my harm. I don't trust that He will build our family without me being in control. I like control. I like to feel like I know what's going to happen and when and how it will happen. But that's not the way adoption works. I don't have two pink lines that tell me that in approximately nine months, we will have a baby. I have a stack of paperwork that we just turned in that tells me very little, other than that perhaps sometime in the future, after we go through some interviews, and then wait for an unknown amount of time, we will get to welcome another child into our family. But to trust in the meantime, without that control is SO hard! I need more faith. I want to come to the end of this journey we are again taking and look back having trusted that the Lord was sovereign no matter what happened along the way.
So, there you have it. We are on the adoption journey again, and it's not easier the second (or kind of third) time around. But, despite my feelings, I am choosing now to believe what I know to be true about my God. He is faithful and I think He has a few more lessons for me to learn as we journey down this road again.