Grieving and Growing

My life,

Has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Trying to find my way,

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time,I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I think God must know that songs often speak His truths to me because it seems like through this adoption journey He has brought me so many encouraging or challenging songs. The above lyrics are from the Third Day song "Revelation" and they speak pretty clearly where I feel I'm at right now.

The past week has been one of the toughest weeks I've had since we found out that we would not be bringing Jack home. I have literally had to force myself to get out of bed some mornings so I could care for Benjamin. The reality of how much I miss Jack hit me full force when we got back from Indiana. Some days the pain of it nearly swallowed me. Last week we took our car in to see what was wrong with it and I found myself having difficultly praying about it and realized that I was pretty mad at God and didn't feel like I could trust Him. I felt like He took us down such a hopeful road that we were not even seeking only to leave us in pain at the end. I've found myself really questioning whether God is in the details of our lives and feeling so frustrated because I know that God says in His Word that He cares about details, but my emotions don't feel it. I found myself becoming skeptical of faith in general, wondering if it really made any difference, or if God was just going to work is His way regardless. Let me tell you, satan was wreaking some havoc. But let me also tell you that God is GOOD! He gave me an amazing husband and I experienced the very truth of Ecclesiastes 4 which says that if one falls down, his friend can help him up.

A couple of months ago in my Believing God study, we studied the power of speaking God's word. I began compiling Scriptures in a spiral 3x5 notecard set and reading them aloud throughout the day. As I did, they began to become ingrained in my memory and the verses would come to mind at other times. In my Bible study, we learned that the only way to come up against the enemy is through God's word and that often speaking the word allowed cements it into our being. One thing that was said in our video that impacted me was that satan cannot read our thoughts, but he can hear our words. When we speak out those Scriptures it may just sound like our voice to us, but it sounds like God to the devil. Thus the Word becomes our sword. I also learned that while the devil cannot hear our thoughts, he memorizes our weaknesses and uses them against us when he sees an opportune time. So as I was learning all this, I got really excited and shared it with Matt.

Back to last week. Matt and I were out for a walk and I was sharing some of what had been going on in my mind and Matt began to share those very truths that I had shared with him and it was powerful. I began to realize that satan knew the power of God's word and so was doing his best to lead me to think on other things. I was getting so frustrated with the lack of answers through the whole adoption process and I was letting my frustration become directed at God. Then came the depression as I felt that life was hopeless. Now that I have spent a couple of days looking at things in light of truth, I can hardly believe I fell for some of the lies I did. It's amazing what happens when light is shined in dark places. But God is good and very patient with me, even when I resist His pruning.

So for now, this is my verse and I am clinging to it.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'the LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' " Lamentations 3:19-24

I know that God the creator of the universe cares even about each sparrow that falls, so I have to believe that he cares for sweet little Jack and that He will watch over and protect him. It's hard not knowing how he is doing and yet maintaining that trust that the Lord knows and that He loves Jack even more than I do.

And so I still do not know why God took us down this road and led us to California to fall in love with a precious little boy named Jack, but I know that He is sovereign and that He is still in control. And if He chooses at a later date to bring Jack into our family, we will be ready, but if not, I'm going to trust He has a better plan. And today I'm praising Him for being my portion and giving me joy in the midst of pain.